The Vids Are Alright

One Republic - All The Right Moves. Ryan’s Top Tips for...

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:00:00 +0000

One Republic - All The Right Moves.

Ryan’s Top Tips for Up-n-coming Bands #973: “Don’t agree to play any gig promoted by a nine-year-old Dickensian urchin. You are unlikely to get a soundcheck and the rider won’t have a single M&M in it!!”

Ludacris - Stand Up. Best of 2003: Backing dancers in...

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 13:16:30 +0000

Ludacris - Stand Up.

Best of 2003: Backing dancers in wheelchairs, telekenisis of giant beer bottles, having your nappy changed by the girl you were chatting up moments before. Just a normal night out on the tiles for Ludacris, who is of the opinion that wearing silver-painted human statues as necklaces is probably a better use for them than just leaving them hanging around outside Covent Garden tube station.

Mariah Carey - I Want To Know What Love Is. Mariah must have...

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Mariah Carey - I Want To Know What Love Is.

Mariah must have sung a few pre-sporting event national anthems in her time, but I understand that this does not necessarily entail that she knows what a baseball stadium looks like. Or what a national anthem is. Thusly we should forgive Mariah for believing that baseball stadiums are normally computer-generated in nature. She’s probably played Wii Sports, right?

What we cannot forgive her for is the terrifying child at 1.16. I half expect Mariah break into ‘Ave Satani’ when he glares in our direction.

Puddle of Mudd - Spaceship. Many excellent science fiction...

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Puddle of Mudd - Spaceship.

Many excellent science fiction productions have overcome their relative lack of budget and/or special effects wizardry by confining the action to a grimy interior or an abandoned quarry, relying on plot and characterisation to gloss over the fact that the lead character has just run along the same corridor three times (all those zero-gravity-simulation aeroplane rides can’t be very carbon neutral anyway).

In their latest video, Puddle of Mudd have paid their own subtle, thoughtful tribute to this genre (I haven’t actually turned the sound up on this yet but I assume it sounds something like this), with a genuine wobbly model shot at 2.53 and some one-dimensional space vixens. “Oh Wesley, show me some more of this Earth thing called ‘post-grunge’!” Bleurgh.

Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body. Best of 2003: The sight of...

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body.

Best of 2003: The sight of lovely little Justin dancing in front of a giant Lite-Brite set always fills me with a warm glowing comfort. I know nothing is going to jump out and scare me (even his spiky beatboxing middle 8 is fluffy round the edges), everything is smoothly executed yet covered in pretty lights - the overall feeling is like walking home near-comatose from the pub on Christmas Eve, admiring the tasteless, twinkly decorations and not even realising it’s freezing cold through your happy beer jacket.

The video’s last minute is the heavenly counterfoil to Atomic Kitten’s satanic ‘Whole Again’: the infinite Justins slowly rotating for my viewing pleasure aren’t disposable clones but precious component parts which I can save up each week to build my own whole Justin-inna-box ~~to play with on Christmas morning~~.

Leona Lewis - Happy. It’s the morning of the wedding!...

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Leona Lewis - Happy.

It’s the morning of the wedding! While she’s getting ready, Leona’s having a think back to when she first met the groom, hanging out with him and his mates, going out on the lash, inviting him over to meet her family and so on. For some reason though her family don’t seem that bothered about the impending nuptials - her dad is slumped infront of the telly and her mum’s doing the ironing. I SENSE A TWIST.

Beyoncé ft Jay-Z - Crazy In Love. Best of 2003: You all know...

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:09:26 +0000

Beyoncé ft Jay-Z - Crazy In Love.

Best of 2003: You all know this one, but I can’t let 2003 go by without mentioning it.

Beyoncé is 21 years old and about to conquer the world, setting aside Destiny’s Child and taking centre stage on her own. Her superstar boyfriend shows up to help her out, but by the time he arrives she’s already stopping traffic and showing us what she can do: for example, her impressive ability to go from confident strut to sitting cross-legged on the floor within a split second at 0.30.

But first, a quick nod to her old life: between 1.06 and 1.40 she’s hanging out as one of the girls, relaxed in a baseball cap, trackie bottoms and messy hair, popping bubblegum in a street alley without a care in the world.

Then presumably on request of his missus, Jay-Z sets fire to his car with a version of Beyoncé inside - the helpless, weak, ordinary Beyoncé of old (who needed a group to support her) is up in flames! Long live the new, fur-clad phoenix Beyoncé! But despite his loving gesture, B barely looks at J and even reprimands him with a flick of her stole. She doesn’t need him either, and even neutralises his actions by kicking open a fire hydrant.

(Btw I’m utterly fascinated by Beyoncé’s and Jay-Z’s relationship - especially the version we see in their collaborations. I’ll collect my thoughts and write more about this at some point.)

By now the transition is complete: between 3.00 and 3.56 Beyoncé is a high-fashion catwalk diva in a harsh industrial setting, fiercely asserting her power and dominance over the other dancers - paler imitations. Even her dance moves are more precise than before - the girl that was wiggling her bum with her mates a few minutes ago is now just a pile of ashes. “I’m not myself… baby I DON’T CARE!” The new Queen B is here to stay, and I’m still in awe of her every time I watch this.

Rihanna - Russian Roulette. Literal interpretation of (very...

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

Rihanna - Russian Roulette.

Literal interpretation of (very good) song yadda yadda. I am far more concerned about the dreadful flesh-tone corset that RiRi has borrowed off Madonna. NO-ONE looks good in a flesh-tone corset. I cannot stress this enough.

Perhaps said corset is Rihanna’s REAL punishment for murderating the dude out of Grey’s Anatomy, and those stern-looking guards are pumping ‘4 Minutes’ in through that expensive stereo system to enhance the horror. No wonder Rihanna is wishing she’d been the one that had died instead.

(apologies for the dreadful sound quality btw - you might want to mute this and listen here instead)

Kid Sister - Right Hand Hi. And the 2009 award for Most...

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 12:33:42 +0000

Kid Sister - Right Hand Hi.

And the 2009 award for Most Anonymous-Looking Backing Dancers goes to the excellent Kid Sister, who has rounded up the local goth fencing team for this video. Contrast be damned!

Melisa may have a high level of ungual awareness but she doesn’t seem to have noticed how bad her roots have got (way worse than my sorry inch of mousey blonde). She can just about get away with it in two dimensions, where the crimped bits just look like part of her jacket, but when she steps off the hoarding and onto the street it’s quite clear that she’s well overdue a splash of hydrogen peroxide on her barnet.

Will Young - Hopes And Fears. OMG Will is up the duff!...

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Will Young - Hopes And Fears.

OMG Will is up the duff! There’s so many things to think about - remembering to take his folic acid, shopping for maternity t-shirts, buying extra Marmite and finding a good lawyer to sue the ass off the father if he doesn’t keep up his child support.

It’s a tough experience to go through on his own, so I hereby volunteer to Be There for Will: hold his hand, fluff his pillows and do short sharp breathing exercises etc. Also this means I get to help choose a name! Front-runners are currently ‘Millie’ for a girl (lucrative) and ‘Billy’ for a boy (even bigger!).

Vitalic - Poison Lips / Your Disco Song. I have been incredibly...

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Vitalic - Poison Lips / Your Disco Song.

I have been incredibly remiss in not posting either of these earlier than today, so let’s have a double header.

First up, Poison Lips (above): two girls are communicating their obsession with Mr Vitalic by smearing their lipstick in V shapes over various public areas (I said PUBLIC), marking out their territory until the whole city is covered.

Secondly, Your Disco Song (below): a lass with shiny bits stuck to her head decides to take the plunge and have some cosmetic surgery to enhance her quality of life. I think this is my favourite of the two - rather than being obsessed with the man behind the bosh, shiny head lass has bosh quite literally on the brain. She goes to bed thinking about bosh, wakes up thinking about bosh, even bathes in bosh. It sounds wonderful.

Omarion ft Gucci Mane - I Get It In. The headstand is a move...

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:37:00 +0000

Omarion ft Gucci Mane - I Get It In.

The headstand is a move seldom employed by pop choreographers, and for good reason: just think of the ensuing clash with the pop hairdressers! It would be straightening irons at dawn. No such problems for Omarion’s team however, as he and his troupe have not only passed their BAGA Level 3 Gymnastics but have trimmed their crops short enough that no amount of inversion will muss them up.

In fact, such is the dedication of Omarion’s backing dancers that they have all squished their heads up to be the same size as his, to make sure the bit at 1.28 works properly. That was sweet of them.

(h/t @lexpretend for this!)

Robbie Williams - You Know Me. Robbie goes quite literally down...

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Robbie Williams - You Know Me.

Robbie goes quite literally down the rabbit hole! Unlike Gwen he’s not looking for inspiration but for consolation: Alice has buggered off and left him with only some singing cabbages and a few extras from the Frog Chorus for company. A big improvement from ‘Bodies’.

Westlife - What About Now. JLS really missed a trick with...

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:07:00 +0000

Westlife - What About Now.

JLS really missed a trick with ‘Everybody In Love’ - a mid-paced lighters-aloft anthem released in the run-up to Christmas. Where was the snow? Where were the fluffy hoods? Have they learned nothing from the hard graft put in by historical boybands over the decades? The canonical precedent set by Wham, Take That and East 17 worked fine for A1 and Upside Down, but JLS are cocky enough to think they can manage without seasonal imagery. I know it doesn’t snow much in Croydon (presumably because Ikea ensures the area is well gritted), but that doesn’t mean the festive spirit is not strong there.

Stalwarts Westlife know exactly what to do in a situation like this, and it’s not surprising: they’ve survived through ten long winters and have hides as thick as walruses. Even in these austere times they have carefully managed their budget to include some lovely long range wide shots in a genuine arctic landscape (Iceland, I think), then saved up all their cgi for some lovely Aurora Borealis. Classic.

Lady Gaga - Bad Romance. …Where to start? How about at...

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:09:00 +0000

Lady Gaga - Bad Romance.

…Where to start? How about at the end, where Gaga is having a post-coital cig next to the charred skeleton of her ‘highest bidder’ whilst her bra randomly fires sparks, accompanied by a chirpy harpsichord refrain?

Nah - let’s start with those HOOFS in the middle eight (3.27, just after the spinning gyroscope bit). It’s all very well saying “walk, walk fashion baby” but feet are not meant to DO that, dude - I don’t care what Alexander McQueen says.

Then there’s the post-middle 8 bit with her polar bear dress catching fire while she says some words in French then screams “I don’t want to be French!” (or “friends”, whatever). At this point you may end up overlooking the fact that she’s wearing a red belt-based outfit with only one leg. Only Lady Gaga would make a video where this is barely noticeable.

See how many other things you can spot in amongst all the vodka:
- wrinkly cat
- solar eclipse
- Burberry trenchcoat
- sunglasses made out of razor blades
- the Judderman
- gold chin protector

Well done everyone involved in the making of this video.

Basement Jaxx - My Turn. My colleague’s heart - I want to...

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Basement Jaxx - My Turn.

My colleague’s heart - I want to know about it. Are they disappointed? Are they glad? If only there was a way of finding out! I will discover surprises in those hearts, I’m sure there’s some meaning in it. Involving cartoon bears. Laa la la la laaaaa.

Cherri V ft Wiley - Skool Daze. Wiley and Cherri are in...

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:05:28 +0000

Cherri V ft Wiley - Skool Daze.

Wiley and Cherri are in detention, tsk tsk. Probably for talking - it seems ludicrous now, but TALKING was the most prolific and therefore worst crime committed at my school (cumulatively, at least). Apart from maybe smoking in the loos. Anyway, Wiley has to do lines on the blackboard like Bart Simpson (ok this is probably ancient interweb errata already but why does Bart run out of the classroom when the bell rings? Surely he is staying behind after school to write said lines, and therefore the bell has already rung?) whilst Cherri has to content with some CGI yearbook/playground/lockers/corridor action. I love her little hopscotch dance at 3.18 though.

Princess Nyah - Big Boys. Nyah and her equally lazy co-workers...

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Princess Nyah - Big Boys.

Nyah and her equally lazy co-workers nick their bosses’ credit card and audition some (safe-for-work) strip-o-grams, giving them marks out of 10. To be fair, it’s more fun than spreadsheets. I quite like the fireman dude myself but I think they’re a bit harsh on the pizza delivery chap - stripping isn’t exactly in his job description after all.

Britney Spears - 3. Here’s the mostly-rubbish video for...

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 19:56:28 +0000

Britney Spears - 3.

Here’s the mostly-rubbish video for Britters’ Greatest Hits plugger (and here’s another link if the one above disappears). It’s rubbish because:

1. NEON TUBES arrrrhghahgahghrhgh
2. Pole-dancing where the pole is horizontal and a bit too high above your head = FAIL. Also the tragic memory of Brit’s previous disastrous attempt at pole-dancing is still too fresh (you all know which one I mean - I shall not link to it here so we can all forget about it).
3. Monochrome minimal post-‘Single Ladies’ backdrop yawwwwwn
4. One of the female dancers grabs Britney’s bum in a really weird fashion - it’s kind of uncomfortable to watch and I don’t exactly know why
5. The radio edit bleeps ‘sin’ and replaces it with ‘bliss’. I know ‘thing’ doesn’t rhyme with ‘sin’ either but ‘bliss’ DEFINITELY does not rhyme with ‘thing’ even in a squashed flat vocal.
6. Britney has flogged at least eight different perfumes but to my knowledge this is the first one that has required product placement in one of her videos.

It’s only mostly rubbish because:

1. At 2.59 she does her ‘dividing 3597 by 236’ face! I haven’t seen that face for at least four years.
2. Her tiny smile at 3.03 just kills me dead. I love you Britney.

Lily Allen - Who’d Have Known. It’s Not Me,...

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Lily Allen - Who’d Have Known.

It’s Not Me, It’s You must have done pretty well for Parlophone if they’re flogging yet ANOTHER single off it with a reasonably entertaining video. Unfortunately Elton John’s most recent greatest hits compilation can’t be doing too well, as Mercury aren’t bothered about paying the ransom for his kidnap.

It’s easy to sympathise with our heroine here. Many a night have I spent dreaming up schemes to ensnare Heidi Range for my own nefarious purposes over a bottle of Tesco plonk. The key element Lily’s missing here though is to go for the ACTUAL celeb in question, not a look-a-like. Better luck next time, Lil.