The Vids Are Alright

Basement Jaxx - My Turn. My colleague’s heart - I want to...

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Basement Jaxx - My Turn.

My colleague’s heart - I want to know about it. Are they disappointed? Are they glad? If only there was a way of finding out! I will discover surprises in those hearts, I’m sure there’s some meaning in it. Involving cartoon bears. Laa la la la laaaaa.

Cherri V ft Wiley - Skool Daze. Wiley and Cherri are in...

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:05:28 +0000

Cherri V ft Wiley - Skool Daze.

Wiley and Cherri are in detention, tsk tsk. Probably for talking - it seems ludicrous now, but TALKING was the most prolific and therefore worst crime committed at my school (cumulatively, at least). Apart from maybe smoking in the loos. Anyway, Wiley has to do lines on the blackboard like Bart Simpson (ok this is probably ancient interweb errata already but why does Bart run out of the classroom when the bell rings? Surely he is staying behind after school to write said lines, and therefore the bell has already rung?) whilst Cherri has to content with some CGI yearbook/playground/lockers/corridor action. I love her little hopscotch dance at 3.18 though.

Princess Nyah - Big Boys. Nyah and her equally lazy co-workers...

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Princess Nyah - Big Boys.

Nyah and her equally lazy co-workers nick their bosses’ credit card and audition some (safe-for-work) strip-o-grams, giving them marks out of 10. To be fair, it’s more fun than spreadsheets. I quite like the fireman dude myself but I think they’re a bit harsh on the pizza delivery chap - stripping isn’t exactly in his job description after all.

Britney Spears - 3. Here’s the mostly-rubbish video for...

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 19:56:28 +0000

Britney Spears - 3.

Here’s the mostly-rubbish video for Britters’ Greatest Hits plugger (and here’s another link if the one above disappears). It’s rubbish because:

1. NEON TUBES arrrrhghahgahghrhgh
2. Pole-dancing where the pole is horizontal and a bit too high above your head = FAIL. Also the tragic memory of Brit’s previous disastrous attempt at pole-dancing is still too fresh (you all know which one I mean - I shall not link to it here so we can all forget about it).
3. Monochrome minimal post-‘Single Ladies’ backdrop yawwwwwn
4. One of the female dancers grabs Britney’s bum in a really weird fashion - it’s kind of uncomfortable to watch and I don’t exactly know why
5. The radio edit bleeps ‘sin’ and replaces it with ‘bliss’. I know ‘thing’ doesn’t rhyme with ‘sin’ either but ‘bliss’ DEFINITELY does not rhyme with ‘thing’ even in a squashed flat vocal.
6. Britney has flogged at least eight different perfumes but to my knowledge this is the first one that has required product placement in one of her videos.

It’s only mostly rubbish because:

1. At 2.59 she does her ‘dividing 3597 by 236’ face! I haven’t seen that face for at least four years.
2. Her tiny smile at 3.03 just kills me dead. I love you Britney.

Lily Allen - Who’d Have Known. It’s Not Me,...

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Lily Allen - Who’d Have Known.

It’s Not Me, It’s You must have done pretty well for Parlophone if they’re flogging yet ANOTHER single off it with a reasonably entertaining video. Unfortunately Elton John’s most recent greatest hits compilation can’t be doing too well, as Mercury aren’t bothered about paying the ransom for his kidnap.

It’s easy to sympathise with our heroine here. Many a night have I spent dreaming up schemes to ensnare Heidi Range for my own nefarious purposes over a bottle of Tesco plonk. The key element Lily’s missing here though is to go for the ACTUAL celeb in question, not a look-a-like. Better luck next time, Lil.

Sean Kingston - Face Drop. With a hitherto unseen degree of...

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 20:28:23 +0000

Sean Kingston - Face Drop.

With a hitherto unseen degree of self-awareness, Sean admits that he’s not exactly Johnny Depp in the handsomeness stakes. The ‘ugh’ look on Snotty Girl’s face when he moves in for a snog at 0.13 is probably one he’s seen many times. Poor Sean. How could he possibly get revenge on this shallow girl obsessed with what’s on the outside rather than looking past Sean’s globulous form and seeing the beauty within?

Er, by turning himself into a cartoon, splashing water at her, realising it was all a dream, then giving up and pestering someone else instead? Sounds like a plan, Sean…

Little Boots - Earthquake. Mystic pentagrams at the ready!...

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 20:29:04 +0000

Little Boots - Earthquake.

Mystic pentagrams at the ready! Given the exhorbitant property prices in Zone 2 these days, not everyone has the available square footage necessary for summoning the dark arts. Therefore it’s good to see Little Boots making thrifty use of her roof garden space for a spot of stargazing/levitation. But if Vicky here is the Gatekeeper, who is the Keymaster? Any suggestions as to who is the Rick Moranis of Modern Pop are welcomed, but I have an awful feeling it might still be the dude on the left here…

Michael Buble - Haven’t Met You Yet. Have a think about...

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0100

Michael Buble - Haven’t Met You Yet.

Have a think about the type of people you normally encounter in your local supermarket. My local Sainsburys is mostly populated by screaming children and their slow-moving parents, confused non-English-speakers wondering why their 1 Euro Off coupon doesn’t work outside the Republic of Ireland, mardy pensioners with wheelybags and bedraggled hipsters who haven’t gone to bed yet.

In Michael Buble’s supermarket there are body-popping checkout staff, double beds in the aisles, tickertape parades and beautiful models. Yet notice how he still doesn’t make eye contact with anyone. It doesn’t matter how many nectar points you save up - grocery shopping is never going to be a fun experience even if you are a large-faced mum-orientated singer. The supermarket certainly isn’t a good location to appraise potential sexual partners, unless trolley maneuvering happens to be an essential quality you seek in a mate. Or you’re Jarvis Cocker.

Royksopp - This Must Be It. A bunch of Scandinavian...

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0100

Royksopp - This Must Be It.

A bunch of Scandinavian semi-naturists come over all Rite Of Spring when a dude with a drumkit turns up. Excellent enough to make me want to go and purchase a) a quad bike b) a drumkit RIGHT NOW. It’s a bit chilly for all the rest of it though (totally SFW).

Alexandra Burke - Bad Boys. Flo Rida may only have one A in his...

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0100

Alexandra Burke - Bad Boys.

Flo Rida may only have one A in his name, but nevertheless Alex is intent on ringing him up to fix her broken down car. However rather than wait for assistance on the hard shoulder she’s decided to walk up to the nearest Little Chef so she can have a quick game of Badlands and a jumbo coffee. Don’t bother with the sandwiches Alex, they’re a rip-off.

Mika - Rain. Mika has stolen his mum’s Blockbuster card...

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:29:13 +0100

Mika - Rain.

Mika has stolen his mum’s Blockbuster card and rented out The Blair Witch Project II: Geometric Boogaloo, only to end up being chased through the leaf mulch by creepy woodland folk. It’s a 15 rating at best - the only ‘shock value’ to be found here is the fact that at no point does it actually start raining. Obviously no-one has told Mika about the age-old telly trick of having a dude stand just out of shot with a high-pressure hosepipe, to ensure the rain shows up on film.

Dionne Bromfield - Mama Said. Who needs Trinny and Susannah...

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 13:12:00 +0100

Dionne Bromfield - Mama Said.

Who needs Trinny and Susannah when Dionne has a whole five series of Blossom to get her sartorial ideas from? Exhibit A: the hat, braces and denim shorts combo at 0.50. Exhibit B: the 20s flapper outfit at 1.14. Exhibit C: large tartan head bow at 1.38. Any of these seem familiar?

It’s quite liberating to know that now the 90s are back, it’s possible to wear literally ANYTHING and get away with it. I might have to dig out that knock-off Inspiral Carpets t-shirt that’s been lurking in the bag marked ‘chazza shop’ for the last decade and wear it down my local nightspot. Just as soon as I’ve watched another three hours of this.

Boyzone - No Matter What. RIP Stephen. Here’s one of...

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 11:11:56 +0100

Boyzone - No Matter What.

RIP Stephen. Here’s one of Boyzone’s more baffling videos, where the attention focuses on a religiously symbolic hot air balloon (Ascension Sunday), a small child holding up an apple (temptation of Adam) and a Chinese woman standing in front of a screen with inkspots projected upon it (that would be an ecumenical matter).

Paul Oakenfold - Southern Sun. Best of 2002: Well...

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 17:44:00 +0100

Paul Oakenfold - Southern Sun.

Best of 2002: Well ‘best’ is probably pushing it, but I challenge you to get through this video without making a noise along the lines of ‘pffffffffnyaaaaaaahaaaa’.

During a photoshoot, a model finds a couple of magic ice cubes (???) and suddenly realises the inherent SHALLOWNESS and FAKENESS of the fashion world where she is beholden to THE MAN. Naturally she immediately legs it over to the Clarks Magic Steps forest to get in touch with her inner 10-year-old. Verrrry slowwwwly and seriously.

I’ve watched this four times now and I still can’t keep a straight face at 3.11, when things elevate to a whole new level.

Sugababes - About A Girl. I wasn’t expecting miracles...

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 10:56:09 +0100

Sugababes - About A Girl.

I wasn’t expecting miracles from the new ‘Babes lineup but this is just…bad.

Three stunt girls who I assume are meant to look like a bit like the Sugababes arrive at a desert shack to perform a baffling suitcase deal with some gangsters, while the Actual Sugababes jiggle around in a completely different bit of desert. But the stand-ins don’t actually exchange the suitcase for anything! They start doing some Adam West Batman ‘fighting’ without even getting the cash first! Then they all bugger off again and it turns out the suitcase is worthless in the first place. Why did they even turn up? Utterly pointless.

Heidi still manages to look wonderful, thank god.

(h/t Maura)

Tinchy Stryder - You’re Not Alone. The white van is...

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0100

Tinchy Stryder - You’re Not Alone.

The white van is parked outside and Tinchy is desperately trying to make it look like he only uses his telly for playing video games and watching old VHS tapes. If you cunningly asked Tinchy Stryder who was kicked out of Strictly Come Dancing last week he would answer “I surely don’t know!” in a wavering voice, yearning to spill the beans about how Martina Hingis must have been docked points for wearing too many sequins. They’ll get you eventually, Tinchy. Suck it up and get a license. Meanwhile, his missus is off for a nocturnal swim in the Thames. I hope she’s remembered her glow-in-the-dark armbands.

DB Boulevard - Point Of View. Best of 2002: Cardboard...

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 19:40:04 +0100

DB Boulevard - Point Of View.

Best of 2002: Cardboard loveliness from some Italian dudes with a sharp stanley knife. Everything’s going wrong for our heroine - she’s skint, her car won’t start, and as for the man of her dreams: “We have split UP!” But she keeps on smiling and we know everything’s going to be sweet. Like chocolate.

Backstreet Boys - Straight Through My Heart STAKE through my...

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 18:28:01 +0100

Backstreet Boys - Straight Through My Heart

STAKE through my heart more like - we have here some hilarious undead bandwagon-jumping from everyone’s 2nd favourite pensionable manband. Don’t they know it’s all about werewolves at the moment? Anyone would think they’d only read the FIRST Twilight book. Still, extra points for the glowing red contact lenses.

Ladyhawke - Magic. Yay! It’s been literally months since...

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 10:47:00 +0100

Ladyhawke - Magic.

Yay! It’s been literally months since we’ve had a Neverending Story tribute, and it finally appears that someone has been listening to my constructive criticism! Ladyhawke sees that her sailor chap has been kidnapped by some pirates in her crystal ball, manages not to lose her horse in the swamp of despair, then rescues the poor bloke with a magic carpet ALL WHILE KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE. *applause*

Not only that, at 1.04 she does the ‘running on the spot whilst a blue screen forest moves slowly past her’ thing. Oh Leona, if only you had had adequate footwear I’m sure you would have been sprinting along to save the universe from The Nothing too.

Example - Watch The Sun Come Up. Melancholic rapper Example is...

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 21:50:48 +0100

Example - Watch The Sun Come Up.

Melancholic rapper Example is recovering from a holiday romance with Penny Crayon (who is WAY out of his league, might I add). Back in London things seem rather grimmer so he imagines himself back in Aiya Napa binge drinking the night away. But you’ve got to face up to the real world some day, Example! If one is on holiday all the time then one stops feeling the benefit. Speaking of which, it was getting pretty chilly out today - winter coat time is upon us I think.