The Vids Are Alright

Cheryl Cole ft will.i.am - 3 Words.

A confession: I felt betrayed by the recent revelation that Cheryl has hair extensions. Cheryl’s hair is the main reason she is brilliant. I have lost count of how may times I’ve stared enraptured at giant L’Oreal posters through the bus window. (My own hair is underwhelming to say the least, and only through celebrity follicles can I find vicarious scalp salvation.)

I don’t know if she’s wearing hair extensions in this video, but whatever’s going on with Cheryl’s barnet it’s bloody amazing. Look:

Fake or not, I forgive her. She has lost a few ranking points on the husband list but I’m sure she’ll bounce back like a pro-vitamin nutrient complex with extra shine enhancement technology. Alas I think will.i.am is still bearing a grudge - he can’t even bring himself to look at Chezza in this strange, emo video.

Kid Sister - Right Hand Hi.

And the 2009 award for Most Anonymous-Looking Backing Dancers goes to the excellent Kid Sister, who has rounded up the local goth fencing team for this video. Contrast be damned!

Melisa may have a high level of ungual awareness but she doesn’t seem to have noticed how bad her roots have got (way worse than my sorry inch of mousey blonde). She can just about get away with it in two dimensions, where the crimped bits just look like part of her jacket, but when she steps off the hoarding and onto the street it’s quite clear that she’s well overdue a splash of hydrogen peroxide on her barnet.

Madonna - Celebration.

Oh, Madge. *shakes head sadly* You look fabulous in this video, you really do - great hair, nice dress, the same awesome boots you were wearing in ‘4 Minutes’, terrifyingly good complexion for a lady of your years. But I’m sick to death of you shoving your crotch in my face. There are so many more interesting things you could do with a high-nrg dancefloor track. Carry a suitcase between a beach and a futuristic cityscape, for instance. Or perhaps some sort of anti-gravity space dancing. Even walking on a supermarket checkout conveyor belt is more interesting than this. Your public demands an expensive narrative, dammit!

Kylie Minogue - Can’t Get You Out Of My Head.

Best of 2001:This has to be in the running for most iconic video of the 00s - think ‘Kylie’ and the image of the white hooded dress and blinkered robotic hand gestures is usually the first thing that springs to mind for most pop fans (gold hot-pants admittedly coming a very close second). CYOOMH is one of my favourite videos ever - even if you’ve seen this video a thousand times, I urge you to take a closer look.

Director Dawn Shadforth turns well-worn video tropes into something magical. For example, take the opening sequence where Kylie is driving a car (done countless times before by everyone and their dog): the undulating curved bridges provide a hypnotic backdrop for Kylie’s smooth and relaxed pose during the woozy ‘na na na’s, which suddenly gives way to neatly chopped-up photo frames as soon as her clipped verse vocal kicks in. Then back again to the dreamy organic ‘na na na’, where her backing dancers slowly and gracefully slide through each others arms like blooming flowers.

The constant switching between clinical robot and organic human is also reflected wonderfully in the progression of Kylie’s hair and outfits: austere black dress/straight hair in the car followed by comfy tracksuit/scrunched up ponytail with her dancers outside; sleek white goddess dress inside the spaceship to silver party frock and full-on natural curls on the roof.

Kylie isn’t just a coat-hanger here though: the majority of her verses are sung in closely focused headshots, leaving her (stunning) body to do the talking during the choreography sequences. Shadforth punctuates simple but memorable moves with different camera angles to keep the momentum going, finishing off with a wonderful long teasing swoop up from Kylie’s toes back up to her head in time for the middle eight (2.17). It’s a perilous task trying to make a video sensual rather than sexual but Shadforth does a bloody good job of it - opting to reveal the often-ignored middle section of the chest, never lingering too long in one place - leaving us none the wiser as to what Kylie’s ‘dark secret in me’ could be.

The last sequence on the rooftops where Kylie fills the sky with one joyful flick of her hair is my favourite part of the whole video. It conjures up memories of so many wonderful nights out letting my own hair down - the music is so euphoric that she never wants the night to end, dancing in slow motion as the sun sets to make the moment last as long as possible. Stay forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever…

Jay-Z - Death Of Autotune.

“Hello old poker-playing dudes, I don’t know if you know what’s happened to the hairdresser that used to be round the corner? I just popped in for a quick trim but the recession appears to have taken its toll on local businesses and instead of the familiar twirly red and white pole, all I found was an empty warehouse!”

“Oh really? That’s a shame. I suppose there’s still time for a quick glass of Sainsbury’s Taste The Difference Merlot and a sneaky round of Texas Hold ‘Em before I have to be home to get Beyonce’s tea ready.”

“Arrrgh but it’s getting really itchy. There must be a barber around here somewhere! I will give up looking in FIVE minutes, for real this time. Maybe to aid my quest I’ll symbolically blow up some luxury items in protest at the levels of unmetered excess that inevitably led to the current economic downturn? Excellent, I knew that would work.”

Tinchy Stryder ft Amelle Berrabah - Never Leave You.

I think Tinchy and Amelle have got a rum deal from the DFS sale - that’s got to be the most uncomfortable looking sofa/armchair combination in pop history, and I bet they’ll still be paying interest on it in 2049.

Despite such budgetary concerns, this video definitely do with some awesome dancing in it. Something like this, maybe? At least on the plus side, Amelle’s hair looks lovely.

Kelis - Caught Out There.

More from 2000: Brilliant anger-pop debut from Kelis, whose temper is as fiery as her hairdo. It looks like all the ladies in the neighbourhood bear their other halves similar levels of resentment! Man that’s a lot of oestrogen right there. Kelis’ presumably-dead boyfriend really does look like he’s gone ten rounds with a mallet - I keep expecting Grissom and the CSI team to turn up and swab him for DNA. Or Trace, whatever Trace might be.

I like to think this video at least partially inspired this, although this makes better use of straightjackets (skip to 3.10).

The-Dream ft Mariah Carey - My Love

Mariah Law part BREAKFAST! Having scooped her hair ‘out of the way’, Mariah embarks on cooking a fry-up for The-Dream while he buggers off to earn some cash. Fast forward to 1.18 to see Mariah’s culinary ‘skills’ in action. I don’t think Delia has anything to fear.

Also someone gives Mariah a PUPPY at 2.46! She may be ‘poor’ whilst The-Dream is embracing his Grammy award in ‘luxury’ but the puppy means she is SPIRITUALLY rich. I’m not quite sure what the ice cream van business signifies though.

(Apols for the mangled bit in the middle of the vid - can’t seem to find a version without it.)

Right Said Fred - Where Do You Go To My Lovely?

RSF covered this Peter Sarstedt track a couple of years ago (it was very big in Germany, honest) but have managed to keep their version free of SMUT (unlike a lot of other Youtube videos featuring this song which are decidedly NSFW).

The video is notable in that Richard Fairbrass is getting a haircut. That’s right, a haircut. Then some cheerleaders turn up, Richard spontaneously combusts and havoc ensues.

McFly - Lies

2008 will surely be remembered by pop fans as the year that McFly suddenly started doing what the hell they liked, and that what they liked was BEING MENTAL a great deal. Hurray!

So of course they are going to come up with 6-minute epic mash-up of Tank Girl (Van Band?) and Mad Max, but with extra Street Fighter special moves thrown in. I mean dudes wtf? Also THANK THE LORD Harry has grown his hair back a bit and doesn’t look half bad with a bit of post-apocalyptic grime on his face. Mmm, lovely Harry. Also speaking of hair, the evil matriarch has an excellent blue wig on.

Best bits: Danny exclaiming ‘noez we’re out of water!’ early on, the band leaping up from the stage in a blaze of red light at 4.06 (and the ensuing choreographed fight-scene middle-8), a big robot with a chainsaw at 5.38 who is probably called Sir Mince-a-lot… You get the idea. It’s all good. The world has been wonderfully enriched by this particular piece of cultural accomplishment.