The Vids Are Alright

Little Boots - Earthquake.

Mystic pentagrams at the ready! Given the exhorbitant property prices in Zone 2 these days, not everyone has the available square footage necessary for summoning the dark arts. Therefore it’s good to see Little Boots making thrifty use of her roof garden space for a spot of stargazing/levitation. But if Vicky here is the Gatekeeper, who is the Keymaster? Any suggestions as to who is the Rick Moranis of Modern Pop are welcomed, but I have an awful feeling it might still be the dude on the left here…

Paul Oakenfold - Southern Sun.

Best of 2002: Well ‘best’ is probably pushing it, but I challenge you to get through this video without making a noise along the lines of ‘pffffffffnyaaaaaaahaaaa’.

During a photoshoot, a model finds a couple of magic ice cubes (???) and suddenly realises the inherent SHALLOWNESS and FAKENESS of the fashion world where she is beholden to THE MAN. Naturally she immediately legs it over to the Clarks Magic Steps forest to get in touch with her inner 10-year-old. Verrrry slowwwwly and seriously.

I’ve watched this four times now and I still can’t keep a straight face at 3.11, when things elevate to a whole new level.

Basement Jaxx ft Sam Sparro - Feelings Gone.

I fear Felix and Simon have been watching the WRONG series of Red Dwarf - you know, the one where Rimmer buggered off and the programme suddenly jumped a shark bigger than a continent, landing face first in a dreadful animatronic puppet exhibition.

Thankfully it’s difficult to make Sam Sparro look like any more of an arse than his previous interminable video did, so he comes off relatively well here (though I did half-expect his space helmet to steam up at some point and Sam to spell out his name slowly ). At any rate this effort is better than the gratuitous lesbian snogging in the new Crookers video.

Michael & Janet Jackson - Scream.

Another huge video event that warranted a special timeslot on Channel 4 for its premiere. We’d all pretty much forgotten that Michael and Janet were even related at this point - Janet trying to be as normal (and sociable) as possible, and Michael as far away from normality as possible, preaching from the top of a mountain, leaving him wide open to ridicule.

So it was almost a relief to see them both bored to tears in their little space capsule, like fractious children on holiday in a remote log cabin - Janet idly inspecting her fingernails whilst Michael leaves muddy footprints across the ceiling, the two of them playing Pong and constantly elbowing each other out of the way, Janet trying to piss standing up at 2.52. Just a normal day with the Jacksons At Home. But in space.

Worth the money, I think.

Heartsrevolution - The Rose And Her Prince.

If you haven’t read Antoine de Saint-Expuréy’s The Little Prince then this video from Kitsune Maison 7 will make no sense to you at all. If you have, then I defy you to refrain from wiping a tear from the corner of your eye as he flies off with a flock of birds to visit the Sahara Desert.

(Thanks to Ears Of The Beholder for this one)

Annie - Anthonio.

Excuses, excuses. Just because you’ve been trapped in a plane of glass like the baddies from Superman II there’s no reason why you can’t actually change your expression within the frame, y’know. That’s what computers are for (or so I hear).

Combine Annie’s static demeanour with karaoke lyrics overlaid in the style of the wobbly credits of Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em and you have a truly terrible video for a rather lovely song. I pray for the sake of Annie’s career that this is some sort of viral ‘teaser’ video because this song deserves a lot better.

Girls Aloud - Untouchable

Gladiators… Reaaaaaadyyyyy! It’s POWERBALL time and the arena is Planet Earth - indeed, the stakes are Apocalyptic! My money’s on Nadine - if anyone can survive re-entry it’ll be her. Cheryl has been working a bit too hard on her power-to-weight ratio and Nicola’s outfit blatantly breaks the Federation International de Space Vixens regulations, page 352 rule 3b clearly states ‘elbow-length gloves are not a substitute for sleeves when in zero gravity’.

Sarah’s hair still looks good though.

(Here’s where I point out the last two singles have had videos where the Girls weren’t required to be in the same room for filming.)

frYars ft Dave Gahan - Visitors

Dave Gahan was clinically dead once! Perhaps this is what he saw while he was out for the count: a flashback to his younger self (complete with rolled up jacket sleeves) silhouetted by a ghostly light and some low-rent sfx that remind me of my old Lights Alive set. Except somewhere along the line his flashback has got muddled up and he’s imagined himself with Kevin Rowland’s hairdo. Oh well. That’ll teach Dave to do guest vocals for someone who doesn’t look exactly like he did twenty years ago.

I quite like frYars’ muttering actually - it makes a change from the usual well-trodden electro pastiche, at any rate. Though of course I disapprove of his attitude towards capitalisation. tHe ShIfT kEy iS yOuR fRiEnD, FRyARS.

(If you happen to like this track too you can get it for free here, although you’ll have to bung in your email address.)

East 17 - Stay Another Day

EXCELLENT NEWS, readers - I finally found a chocolate advent calendar today, reduced to 49p with Zac Efron and er, Gabriella on the front. To celebrate, here’s one of my favourite Christmas videos (I promise that not all my xmas selections will be introduced by a tenuous link to chocolate, by the way), featuring the only quartet of boys ever to emerge from Walthamstow with their goatees intact.

Despite East 17’s best efforts to erase the video from the public memory by making another one, everyone still remembers the version where they are whizzing around in space wearing fluffy hoods. Bad luck East 17. Still, it can’t be denied that blatantly cashing in on the Xmas market has kept Tony Mortimer in pies (though alas I don’t think it quite earns him enough to be able to buy up Walthamstow Dog Track, shame) and hence this gets trundled out on the unimaginative desert trolley that is music telly in December (currently on 4Music it is Westlife who are on waitress duty - making a good fist of it as well, pretending to give each other presents etc).

Yet despite repeated watchings I am still always seem to forget about the Serious Lady swishing her fabric around (it appears to be on FIRE at one point, oh dear). And how bad Brian Harvey’s teeth are (I am allowed to say that because I have wonky teeth too). And how large Terry’s leather trousers are at 1.47. Or is it John? We’ll have to wait for the Shooting Stars intro man to call their names out at 3.01 to find out.